My spiritual journey thus far

I really want to start blogging about what God is doing in my life, and how I'm doing spiritually. So I figured the best way to start is my very long testimony. So, here it is.

My spiritual journey thus far really has had its shares of ups and downs. Where I am today, I'm still not sure… I'm hoping it's a steady incline, but for those who care to know my story, I'll try to give a synopsis here.

I met a friend in high school (Jenn) who was very involved with The Salvation Army (the church – not the thrift store). And she hooked me up with her bf's brother, who was also going to the church. At the time, I was a practicing Catholic – the only one in my family. To this day, I try to remind myself that it was God who chose me, at a very young age, to be His follower and His servant, because at the time, NO ONE else I knew was actively practicing Catholicism, or really any other faith. I remember being very annoyed during my confirmation that no one else cared if they were there or not, but they got confirmed anyway. Well, anyways… I continued to go to my church in the morning on Sundays, and then went to The Salvation Army on Sunday nights.

During this time, I was teaching CCD at my old church. I was so interested in teaching these kids about God – a desire that was fed by my new found knowledge of the Bible (thanks to the Army). However, when the curriculum at CCD was finished, with one class left to go, I asked the head of the program what I should do… and I was clearly told that "there was nothing else to teach them". I was shocked and appalled that this person thought that these kids didn't need to learn anything else. I, as an 18 year old, was still learning tons of awesome stuff – none of which any of these kids knew! This was the big red flag that made me start to separate myself from the Catholic Church.

I started going to youth group at the Army. We had more Bible studies. We went on trips. I challenged the officers (pastors) on Biblical truths. I was valued for my input. I started to grow. However, like most teenagers, while I was absolutely loving Jesus, I fell into sin and started making excuses for it. Looking back on it, it is kinda scary. I know that I made a conscious decision to disobey God. I remember saying in my head – "I don't care, this is what I want to do." My focus got really screwed up and that's when my first "disaster" struck – the breakup with the boyfriend. He supposedly was cheating (I don't even know if that was true) and I told him to take a hike. Anyway, I felt so betrayed by him, by God for letting this happen to me, etc. etc. That I turned away from God for a while. Then, following labor day camp meetings, in my house, reading my Bible, I "officially" asked the Lord to forgive me and to come into my heart.

So, life was pretty ok for a while, even though I had a lot of opposition from my family. It annoyed me that they weren't even practicing their religion, but they had something to say about me being involved in the Army. I had opinions about things that they just didn't want to hear. They called me judgmental. They called me a hypocrite. They told me to keep my mouth shut. This was really hard for me, and it went on for YEARS. Granted, I'm sure that some times, I wasn't speaking out in love. But I knew in my heart that I had good advice, and an ear to listen – all given me by God. Whether or not I used them correctly – well, that's for God to decide later on.

Then, during a camp meeting at Old Orchard Beach, was the first time I felt called to pray at the altar. I was terrified. There had to be like, over 200 people there. It was there that God called me to service in youth ministry. Soon after that meeting, I started leading the youth group at my corps.

During my time as youth group leader, I saw kids come and go. I also saw kids stay. I saw friends invite friends who also stayed. Just like my friend Jenn did for me. I was blessed. We had car washes, and trips to Six Flags, and youth councils and game nights. We had discussions and fights. We've done prayer rooms and all night vigils. I loved (and still do) those kids. My first crop of teens are now starting their second year of college. I look back to when they were in 8th grade, and see where they are now, and I feel blessed and honored to have helped them grown in to young men.

But a few years ago, things started going slowly downhill for me. My closest Christian friends were moving away. I ended up moving 45 minutes away from my corps. I was left at my corps as the only person my age. I was the only person at my corps at my age with my level of education. I started to struggle. I had no fellowship. I had no accountability. I had no meaningful bible study. I couldn't relate to anyone. Not even the preaching applied to me. I started slacking with the youth group. And then Satan told me that I wasn't good enough to do it anymore. And I believed him. God introduced 2 young adults to my corps at that time. I know it was an answer to my prayers for a replacement for me, but I couldn't just have faith and let it be. I felt threatened by these 2. They were younger than me, yet they were way more spiritually mature than I was. Again, Satan told me I wasn't good enough. I felt had nothing to offer these kids in the shadows of the 2 new leaders. And, like I said, I couldn't let it go. I stuck around for a while, and got more and more self conscious, more and more annoyed. This, coupled with my already wavering faith was heading me down a dangerous path of spiritual crisis.

I wasn't even treading water at this point. I was thrashing. I went to my corps occasionally. I went to Grace Chapel occasionally. I went to the corps in Lowell occasionally. I frequently didn't go to church at all. I was just throwing my arms out everywhere - anywhere, trying to ground myself.

I felt that people at church only wanted me when they needed something. I resented that. However, I didn't feel worth anything unless I was doing something. My head was really screwed up. I was tired. I was tired of do do doing. I was tired of trying to work on this relationship with God all by myself. I became more self centered. More than I even had in my life. And some people reading this may think "what the heck is she talking about?" But trust me… anything I did was not because of the kindness of my heart. It was because I wanted to be appreciated. And I said "no" a lot more than I used to. I feel awful about it. It's hard to explain (particularly to people who have not had a faith experience like I have) why it feels bad to think about yourself all the time. I guess it's that, for me, I seek approval and appreciation and praise… and those things I seek, I can't get enough of…and so, I still get let down. But I know, that God can and will fulfill that void.

So this all leads me to where I am today. I haven't been to my old corps in weeks. I recently claimed all my belongings that were there. I've been making a conscious effort to attend the Lowell corps. I've come to the realization that when I moved, God put me in this community to work for Him in this community. I fought against that for nearly 4 years. I am volunteering at Lowell's vacation bible school this week. I'm meeting the people of the corps and community. It's still not all sunshine and flowers. I have whispers of doubt and fear in my mind. "How will I ever make these people my family?" "Will I fit in?" But it is so comforting to me, that on any given Sunday, I'm sitting in my pew, and we sing an old red songbook song, that I learned waaaaay back when I was a teenager in Chelsea, and I feel a little bit at home. It will take some time, and a lot of prayer – but I feel that I just might be on my way back.