Stolen Christmases

I feel like I've been robbed of Christmas the last 2 years. In 2008 I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding 5 days before Christmas. That wedding left me with practically no money for Christmas shopping. I easily spent over a 1/2 month salary on a dress, bachelorette party, bridal shower, and gift all right around the holidays. I finally took the paycheck I got right before christmas (and right after the wedding) and went shopping a day or so before Christmas - in a blinding New England snow storm. It was so bad that there was NOBODY on route 93. So, 2008 was the year of the wedding. No time or money to get in the mood. Especially since my cousin had to go to a boutique shop for her bridesmaid dresses, so that I had to parade around the store for my mother and my aunt in a ripped apart dress that needed extra fabric and $200 of alterations. Nope, I was in no mood in 2008.

2009 fared far worse. Most of you know that last year sucked big time. See, around this time last year, my life was thrown into a tizzy. I was in the final stages of throwing a baby shower for my sister in law, who was in and out of the hospital on bed rest with pre-eclampsia. In the span of 10 days, I tore my ACL on an airplane on the way to a business trip, my sister-in-law was admitted to the hospital and the shower was cancelled, my first nephew, Peter, was born 2 months early (healthy, for a premie), he & SIL got a severe infection, and Peter didn't survive.

Note: I feel a post on this entire experience coming on soon. I find myself "writing" it in my head when I lay awake in bed at night. I don' t know if I'll write it out. I don't know if I'll share it. But please know, my lack of insight and/or emotion at this point in THIS post in NO WAY minimalizes or negates that time in my life. This is just not the post for it.

I don't even remember the holiday season last year. Peter died 2 days before Thanksgiving. It was undeniably the worst day of my life. I was devestated and I was on crutches. I was on crutches most of the winter. I couldn't go shopping even if I wanted to.

My friend, Mo, asked me the other day, "did you come to our christmas party last year?" I sat there and thought, and thought...but I couldn't remember. At that moment, I realized I really couldn't remember anything between having a somber meal at home, and dessert in the hospital on thanksgiving, and probably the end of February. I had experienced a real and true emotional black out. Later that night, I did remember Mo's son, Ethan singing Jingle Bell Rock to me, in their kitchen, at the Christmas party. That's about it. I still can't remember if I did anything on new years eve. Everything just sucked last year.

It's not thanksgiving yet, but I'm in the mood to start Christmas shopping. I NEVER shop early. I think that these last 2 years of "stolen" Christmases, I'm longing for normalcy - whatever that is. The 12 month period since those dark days has almost passed. Ain't nothing stealing my Christmas this year. If anything, I hope that this Christmas is one of my family's best ever.

And I know that Jesus is the reason for the season. I would be remiss if I didn't give props to Jesus for getting me through all this crap, and I'm sorry He sounds like an afterthought. This post just isn't THAT heavy. . .